It was Saturday, the kind of day when the husband mows the lawn while the children watch Thomas and the Mommy plots adventures. Today, we were Potty Training.
The Princess is 2 + a bit, so there's no reason to continue sinking cash into bulk shipments of Luvs. She is interested in "potty", especially when anyone using one wants privacy. And this week, we purchased a brand new baby doll, who lives on the shelf behind the toilet and awaits the Big Girl who can Use the Potty. So this morning, Mommy prepared.
We had the apple juice. "When you drink the juice, you will need to potty," I said. "When we need to go, where do we go?"
"Da-Poddy!" Princess declared.
"That's right!" I encouraged her brightly. I put her on the potty. Nothing happened. "Uh, wanna get down?" I asked. "We'll try again soon."
"Yes!" She stepped back into her diaper, walked into the living room. Commence Accident One.
"Okay," I said, undaunted. I put her in a fresh diaper. "Let's review. Drink Juice. Need potty? Use potty."
"Poddy!" She grinned.
"Diaper stays dry."
"Dry!" she giggled.
"All right. In ten minutes, we'll use the potty, okay?"
Ten minutes later, the diaper was wet again.
"Let's go outside," I said, changing tactics. "We'll wear big girl underwear, okay?"
"Okay."
"Mommy!" Spiderman cried. "She's not wearing pants!"
"That's okay," I said. "We're going to play outside and use the little red potty."
"Poddy!" Princess ran around in her pink straw hat and underwear. I prayed the neighbors wouldn't peek into our backyard and call Social Services.
"Ready to go on the potty?" I called five minutes later.
"Yesh!" She proudly sat down.
"Wait! Stand up!" I took off the underwear. It was wet.
She sat on the potty. "Poddy!"
"Yeah..." I heaved a sigh. "Look, kid, there's one more strategy I've read about, and we could try it...." I scanned the yard. "You can run naked for a few minutes, all right?"
"Juice!"
"Yes, you drink the juice. You go on the potty."
She sat on the potty. Nothing happened. I gave her a cookie anyway. "Good try, I said. "We'll try again in a few minutes, all right?"
"Okay." She stood next to me and drank her juice while I read Agatha Christie.
My attention was called away from M. Poirot by the Princess saying, "Is-DIRTY!"
I looked down.
"Well.... thank heaven you missed my foot," I said. "We really shouldn't poo wherever we're standing, my darling. Where do we poo?"
"Is dirty in POTTY!" she declared.
"Yes." I wiped her down and cleaned up the *ahem*.
My dear husband opened the door. "Hey..." he said sheepishly. "You know those cookies you bought for the potty training?"
"Yes." This can't be good.
"Guess who just accidentally knocked all of them onto the floor?" He gulped. "It was me."
"Oh."
Silence.
"I think we should potty train another day," I said.
"I concur."
I'm putting the kids down for Nap and going back to the Orient Express.
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